All posts tagged: childloss

What to say when a baby dies…

Knowing what to say when a baby dies can feel really challenging because people don’t want to get it wrong and they don’t want to cause further upset. Every grieving parent is different so there isn’t an accurate guide on what to do or say when a baby dies. One of the biggest comments can be “I don’t know what to say” – in my experience, be honest and say that because it is better than saying nothing at all. What to say when a baby dies – some of the things that can help are: let parents talk about their baby. If they are talking about their baby, please let them and please do also talk about and mention their baby. Don’t ignore a baby’s existence because that hurts and grieving parents are already in so much pain. let parents cry – they need to cry, it helps to release some of the pain. And sometimes they will have no choice, they will have no control over it. Please don’t tell them to shush. …

Surviving Babyloss

In the first few days and early weeks after my son died, I wished to feel normal again. I longed, not just for the pain to ease, but just to feel like myself again. It felt like I lived in a bubble, everyone around me was living their normal lives but I was in a very lonely, isolated bubble of vulnerability and pain. I have never felt pain like it – physical pain, mental pain that affected how much I could do, how much I could cope with, how much I could enjoy, how much I could focus on. I felt like I could break at any moment – each day was about forcing myself to get out of bed, to do something rather than just wallow; to do something rather than just desperately want my baby back. There was an aching in my arms for the baby I  couldn’t hold and a physical pain in my heart as it ached for what I had lost. In those early weeks I wasn’t sure how much …

Babyloss – we didn’t have a funeral

There is no preparation for arranging your baby’s funeral. Arranging any funeral is difficult but arranging a funeral for your child is unspeakably challenging and I think most of us do it in a blind numbness. The thought of a funeral was crippling for me – I went through the motions but I resented having to do it. Jamie had died during surgery and the hospital offered to arrange his funeral, which I am grateful for. A lovely woman at the RVI – whose name and title I just don’t know – talked to us about what we wanted. We explained that as we are not religious, we wanted a cremation and simple service, with as little religious input as possible. She found us a funeral director who would respect our wishes and who was wonderful – they organised the date, time and the crematorium  as well as his coffin and we went away to plan music and let people know. We spent an evening deciding on music – I cried a lot and searched …

babyloss awareness

Jamie’s Story

I have written a lot about Jamie, my son who died when he was three days old. I have written about my pregnancy and his short life, as well as life after babyloss. Jamie’s story At my 20 week we discovered that something wasn’t quite right with his stomach – a referral to the fetal medicine unit at the RVI confirmed the suspected stomach problem, along with a heart defect. The rest of my pregnancy was a rollercoaster of emotions, hopes and crushing reality – some days I felt on top of it, others crippled me. I stopped work and focused on my two young daughters and on spending time with my bump – I have so many positive memories of relaxing with my unborn baby, of talking to him and of telling him stories. I wrote a blog during this time, mainly for my sanity, to document what was happening, to remember it, to let it all out. I allowed my feelings to pour onto each blank page which meant I could function, I …