All posts filed under: Babyloss

Surviving Babyloss

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In the first few days and early weeks after my son died, I wished to feel normal again. I longed, not just for the pain to ease, but just to feel like myself again. It felt like I lived in a bubble, everyone around me was living their normal lives but I was in a very lonely, isolated bubble of vulnerability and pain. I have never felt pain like it – physical pain, mental pain that affected how much I could do, how much I could cope with, how much I could enjoy, how much I could focus on. I felt like I could break at any moment – each day was about forcing myself to get out of bed, to do something rather than just wallow; to do something rather than just desperately want my baby back. There was an aching in my arms for the baby I  couldn’t hold and a physical pain in my heart as it ached for what I had lost. In those early weeks I wasn’t sure how much …

What to say when a baby dies

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Every grieving parent is different so there isn’t an accurate guide on what to do or say when a baby dies. One of the biggest comments can be “I don’t know what to say” – in my experience, be honest and say that, better than saying nothing at all. When my son died, I had so many people come up to me and just hug me, so many messages to say how sorry they were but it’s the people who crossed over the street to avoid me that stayed with me and the occasional comment which was meant well but which caused hurt. Some of the things that helped me when my baby died are: let me talk about my baby. If I am talking about my baby, please let me and please do also talk about my baby. Don’t ignore their existence because that hurts. let me cry – I need to fucking cry, it helps to get rid of some of the hurt. And sometimes I will have no choice, I will have …

pregnancy after loss

Pregnancy After Loss

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Pregnancy after loss can be a time of anxiety and worry, which can range from mild to extreme. This can ease as your pregnancy progresses or you may remain anxious until your baby is safely in your arms. Your pregnancy can also be a time of hope and happiness so you may be juggling some very conflicting emotions. There is no right way to feel or to experience pregnancy after loss so focusing on what you need can be important. I have worked with a number of expectant parents who have all felt very differently. You might feel cautious about telling people about your pregnancy. It can be normal to put off preparing for birth – I am often contacted by parents who are well into their third trimester. Meeting your baby/bringing your baby home can also cause some anxiety so it can help to prepare for what to expect and what support you might find helpful in pregnancy as well as when your baby is here. It is also possible to feel frustrated with …

babyloss awareness

February is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Month – here’s my story…

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February is Congenital Heart Defect month – Here is the story of  my son Jamie… My 20-week scan during my third pregnancy did not go to plan – a potential defect with my baby’s oesophagus was highlighted and I was referred to the Fetal Medicine Unit at the RVI for a more detailed scan. They too thought there was an issue with my baby’s oesophagus but they also thought there was a problem with his heart – both would need monitoring and so my rollercoaster journey of hospital appointments and huge emotion began. Every couple of weeks I was scanned, my baby’s heart was thoroughly checked but there was no agreement on what the defect was. After one scan, it was even thought that there was no heart defect. But the next scan confirmed that something wasn’t right. The majority agreement among the brilliant team of consultants was that my baby had hypoplastic left heart syndrome – the left side of his heart was not developing properly. This is a life threatening defect. I was …

Babyloss & grief

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I feel like an old hand at babyloss grief now – 13 years in and I know how to function well with my grief, I know how it can surprise me when I least expect it,  I know that I will miss my boy for the rest of my life, I know I am grateful for being on the other side of the intensity of grief and I know how to look after myself. It has taken a long time to reach this point. We all do grief differently and there is now more conversation about baby-loss on social media, which is a good thing – anything that attempts to ease the isolation of baby-loss, to create more awareness, support and conversation for grieving families has to be a good thing. However, a few life-after-baby-loss posts this year have made me think because everything on social media can be subjective and interpreted differently. These are well-intentioned, honest, supportive posts but they are a snap-shot and they often don’t convey the emotion, the desperation and the …