All posts filed under: Babyloss

grascale photography of toddlers foot

Making assumptions after babyloss

Many assumptions and comments can be made about life after babyloss and while most probably coming from a meaningful place, it can still hurt and be unnecessary. Grieving is very individual, even couples can grieve differently from one another and there isn’t a right way to do it. One assumption is that bereaved parents will want to get pregnant again, possibly quickly. And some parents do, this is right for them. Other parents will eventually get pregnant again but they don’t want to think about it straightaway or fertility support may be needed for pregnancy to happen. Comments after babyloss can be thoughtless We received a mix of comments from people. As it was our third child who died, it was assumed by some that we wouldn’t need/want to have another baby. Others suggested we try for another baby straight away, as if that would somehow plug the gap in our grief. Deciding to have another baby after loss is such a personal, emotional decision for parents. I wrestled with it a lot in the …

babyloss awareness

Living with babyloss

It has been 14 years since he was born. 14 years since he arrived at speed and entered his short life filled with a medical world of tubes and surgery. In pregnancy there was never a moment where we didn’t consider giving him every chance but occasionally, on reflection, I do wonder if we did the right thing by him. Rightly or wrongly, giving him every chance has helped me deal with his death. I am writing this the night before his birthday when there should be party plans and last minute wrapping but there has never been any of this. We never got the chance to discover his personality, he never got the chance to be a pain in the arse for his two older sisters, I have never had any cuddles, kisses or I love yous from him. Losing a child has meant the deepest grief and pain, along with a guilt about how this has affected my other children who were raised by a mother who struggled with anxiety, depression and PTSD. …

Babyloss stories

I asked parents for their babyloss stories – these are raw, real and graphic but this is the reality for many parents so I wanted to share these stories, in parents’ own words… “I was only 18 when I had my angel, I am 37 now. I was unaware of monitoring movements as it wasn’t something the midwives talked about. At 32 weeks I felt ill one day, didn’t think anything of it until that night when I started to get pains, then vomiting so I went to the hospital. I was scanned and told there was no heartbeat. I was taken to a room on my own and sedated. The next day my labour was started and by that night my beautiful, perfect little girl was born sleeping. My mum and my partner were with me. The two midwives I had were amazing, they explained everything they were doing and were so attentive. The hospital were great – my baby was with me in my room and my partner’s parents were able to join …

cuddling a newborn

Stillbirth and Covid

“At St George’s, a teaching hospital in south London, stillbirths rose from 2.38 per 1,000 births pre-pandemic, to 9.31 per 1,000 births between Feb 1 and June 14.”The Times, September 30th This is a truly heartbreaking statistic. According to SANDS: Every day in the UK 14 babies die before, during or shortly after birth – and I remember reading about concerns that the stillbirth rate would increase during lockdown. There will be more to learn about why stillbirths increased during this time but, during lockdown, maternity units were more restricted and guidance changed weekly. There was concern among pregnant women about catching Covid, about going into hospital on their own and about having less routine contact with their midwife. In different parenting forums and on social media, expectant mums were discussing whether to miss appointments and scans because they were scared. This pandemic has caused a great deal of additional stress and anxiety and expectant women and their families. And, for some women, they were unable to get to appointments or to the hospital in …

What to say when a baby dies…

Knowing what to say when a baby dies can feel really challenging because people don’t want to get it wrong and they don’t want to cause further upset. Every grieving parent is different so there isn’t an accurate guide on what to do or say when a baby dies. One of the biggest comments can be “I don’t know what to say” – in my experience, be honest and say that, better than saying nothing at all. As a bereaved mother some of the things that helped me are: let parents talk about their baby. If they are talking about their baby, please let them and please do also talk about and mention their baby. Don’t ignore a baby’s existence because that hurts. let parents cry – they need to cry, it helps to release some of the pain. And sometimes they will have no choice, they will have no control over it. Please don’t tell them to shush. please don’t try to make parents feel better – you can’t, their baby is dead. There …