Life after babyloss – thirteen years ago life changed forever. My baby boy, who was three days old , needed heart surgery to save his life. He had already had surgery when he was 6 hours old and he had been heavily medicated since then.
The surgery was meant to be straight-forward but it was heart surgery on a tiny 3 day old baby, how straightforward could it be?
We went into intensive care early to see our boy and to speak to the surgical team. I wasn’t able to cuddle him but I said my goodbyes. He opened his eyes and he smiled at me, despite his nurse saying he shouldn’t be able to be that responsive because of his meds. This was the last time I saw him alive and it’s a brief moment that will stay with me forever.
Life after losing a baby has been a challenge in so many ways, it’s hard to put it all into words.
In the beginning it was just getting up and getting through the day. Panic was never far away and I still remember those first few seconds of every morning when everything was fine until I remembered he was gone.
I have tried to parent well and I have two amazing children, so I think I did ok. They had to see me cry and struggle to keep it together, they kept me sane and busy. And gradually the grief became bearable, gradually I cried less and I grew stronger.
I have had to learn to live with anxiety and panic, I have had tremendous therapy, I have effective coping strategies, I have had to accept these changes because they aren’t going anywhere. Grief and trauma changed me but it also made me stronger and fiercer.
The woman I am now will always be a bit broken – the pain of losing my child will never leave me and I will always miss him – but I have come out the other side as feisty, focused, capable, calm, happy and compassionate. I am also determined to live life well, to make life matter and to enjoy life with my family, with my friends and with my lovely little business – this is my boy’s legacy.
a specialist in pregnancy, birth and parent support